I’m an emotional personal. I don’t cry often, but the tears well up when I’m happy and when I’m angry. Somehow when I’m sad or hurt or upset, I don’t cry easily. I’ve always wondered why it happens that way for me. Of course, when it goes beyond a threshold I do cry, but the tears won’t come easily then. I think the heart initially refuses to believe whatever happens and it sinks in very slowly. Only then does the realization dawns on me and I start crying.
I know I don’t have to put up a brave front at all times, but I avoid crying when people are around me. Not that I consider crying as a sign on weakness, it’s just that I don’t want a drama around me. I cry only when I’m alone.
However, all these rules which my system follows do not stand a chance when it comes to one person- My mother!
I always feel I can never pretend to be someone I’m not or portray the version of myself I allow others to see when my Mom is around. Perhaps it’s that comfort factor or the fact that my mom can see through anything that I’ve felt it is completely useless pretending when I’m with her.
The first time my Mom had to be away from home for about 6 months, I was scared. I didn’t know how I would manage without her. You might wonder what’s difficult about this as its common for people to be away from their parents after a certain age. I think I could have managed that better – being away from home. The problem for me was being at home when mom wasn’t around. Home was almost synonymous with mom. She was always around when I was home so I couldn’t imagine how it would be without her in the very place she made our home. Once I got back home after dropping her at the airport, everything looked different. The kitchen looked strange without her and the Pooja room and the hall looked empty when I couldn’t find her in the Dhiwan. I tried to come to terms with it and tried going on with life. And then a couple of hours later when I Skype-d with her, the minute she said Hello with that bright smile on her face I cried. I don’t know why but I cried for almost 5 minutes and cut the call citing connectivity issues (you can always trust Skype to screw up) and reconnected in a while. After that I was fine. I managed to survive till she got back.
Another time, I met with an accident while riding my two wheeler. Long story short, a two wheeler came on the wrong side and hit my scooter. I mustered the courage to get up and moved to the pavement with the help of a few blessed souls. Even in that moment of pain, I shouted at the idiot who came the wrong way and rammed into my scooter. Surprisingly for the amount of pain I was in (which I realized only when the doctor, who in the name of cleaning a wound subjected me to utmost torture), I did not cry. I called up my parents and told them where I was. I refused to analyze the wounds all over my hands and legs and just waited for my parent to come. The minute my mom got out of the car to see me, all that anger subside and I stood up and cried. I cried and cried and the pain was beginning to show. I wanted to tell my mother that I was actually not as bad as how I was crying but no words would come out. I cried and cried and then I finally found peace after a while.
I’ve always frowned upon public displays of affection. Whenever I used to go to the Airport with my Dad or Grandpa to receive someone, I would wonder why people needed to hug and laugh and cry and why it couldn’t wait a few minutes longer, in the privacy of their cars/houses. Only when I went through that separation from a loved one did I understand how much you can miss someone. Only then I realized that you cannot hold yourself back when you see a loved one after a long time. Now all those overwhelming emotions during reunions in the airports made sense.
I did the same thing when I saw my mom the first time I was away from her. I walked slowly, and then picked up speed and then ran to her and hugged her (No, not when I was a kid) and wait for it, yes I cried seeing her :-). Happy tears you see.
As I write this, I’m waiting for her at the airport again. Her flight is delayed and I’m trying to get information on the expected time of arrival. I opened Apple Music and selected the first playlist that was there. The first song in the list was ‘Oru Deivam Thantha Poove’. I smiled to myself thinking of mom all through the song and couldn’t stop associating her with every word in that song. Every word is magical (If you don’t follow Tamil, you can check the English translation of the lyrics here ). I’m sure all the emotions I experienced when the song played would resurface the minute I see her walking towards me. And I’m pretty confident I wouldn’t be just smiling at her. The happy tears would find its way too!
Probably, that’s what Mom’s magic is!