Minding your Heart

Over the years, I’ve noticed how the spirit of the child in me is more excited during the first 2 months of the year, compared to the rest of the year. The New Year celebrations, resolutions and not to forget the zillion discounts by retailers – everything gets me excited. Once that excitement subsides, I eagerly await my most important day – my birthday :-). I might be slightly old to still celebrate birthdays like a kid, but who cares! I love my birthday and l still like to celebrate it with a cake and mom’s food and try to keep smiling and be happy all through the day!

So this year too I cut a lovely chocolate Ganache cake at midnight, courtesy my husband and sister. We decided to wind up early because we all had a big day ahead of us. I had some time for myself and I took that time to think about how lucky I’ve been. I don’t have the perfect life but at that moment, I was happy. I couldn’t be at a better place in my life. There was a beauty in that imperfection, which could easily be missed unless specifically noticed. The most important of all, I was happy for choosing the right people to be around and how they formed a significant part of my life. I’m a typical Aquarian that way – though I boast of a huge network, I’m extremely choosy about the people I’m close it. I’m glad I don’t have much regrets. I owe this to the people around me who have been supportive in everything I undertake. When your support system understands you well, you don’t have to worry about anything in the world.

I assume God was happy seeing me all excited about my birthday that he decided to make it even more interesting. Last year, I got engaged 2 weeks before my birthday and my husband’s birthday falls 3 weeks before mine.  So Jan and Feb in 2016 was extremely exciting with my engagement, our birthdays and the family get-togethers. This year God decided to make me even happier by ensuring my cousin got married on the same day. That one big smile and hug from my mom was enough to let every person in the hall know that it was my birthday.  So for the first time in my life, people sang “Happy Birthday” for me in a wedding hall. Well, I’m not complaining. Who doesn’t mind some extra attention? *wink*

I was looking forward to my brother’s wedding more than my birthday because it gave me a chance to spend time with my sister and other cousins (who were meeting after 5 years). I was looking to spend some quality time with my family, something I missed during the hustle and bustle of my wedding last year. So this was a blessing in disguise. I took a couple of days off work to enjoy that period of bliss. I was particularly determined to make the most of this. Everyone had different plans for the future and we weren’t sure when we would get to meet again. We spoke about the good old days over cups of tea and ice creams, annoying mom by dragging her into our nostalgic conversations and messing up her schedule (which she managed to set straight in a couple of minutes. These Moms I tell you!).

I wish life did not have to be this difficult. I wish life had a pause button or a rewind button that would help us re-live days from those wonderful memories and bring happiness from those heartfelt smiles and laughter again. I wish good byes weren’t so difficult and I wish I knew when I would meet someone next when I say goodbye. I sometimes wish I stopped yearning for those wonderful days again. I wonder if God was being kind to me by allowing me to bask in the love of my loved ones or whether he was being unkind by taking it all away from me after a week. I wondered which was better to cope with – not seeing someone for a while, or seeing them for a short while and then missing them terribly making it impossible to go back to the routine. Sigh!

As much as I like my routine and wait to resume my routine when there are unprecedented events, I did not want to get back to my routine. I wanted life to wait for just a few more days before I take on my routine. I wanted life to give me just one last glance at that wonderful week I spent with my loved one. I wanted so many more things, all to do with the previous week. But I know that’s not how life works. And I didn’t know what to be annoyed more with – life not working the way I wanted it to or the realization that life doesn’t work the way I want it to. I then accepted the fact that things had to move on and did the one thing that offered me some solace – ran through all the events of the previous week on an infinite loop in my mind. And the tears dropped from both my eyes at the same time. I guess that meant I was both happy and sad.

The mind seemed to trick me into believing that things were fine. The heart seemed to know the truth. The mind was happy, but the heart was heavy. And I was caught in the middle of these heart-mind conflicts. Someone rightly said, it’s easy to make up your mind, but convincing your heart is the hard part. How true!

The heart finally won. As always. The heaviness wouldn’t subside, the heart wouldn’t listen.

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